STOPP: How to Stop Reacting and Start Responding When Anxiety Takes Over
Have you ever said something in the heat of the moment and immediately wished you could take it back? Me!
Or found yourself replaying a conversation over and over, thinking:
Why did I say that?
I should have handled that differently.
Why do I always react this way?
When we feel overwhelmed, anxious, stressed, or emotionally activated, it can be really difficult to slow down before we respond. Our thoughts can start racing, our body can go into protection mode, and suddenly we are reacting INSTEAD of responding.
This is where one of my favorite tools, STOPP, can help.
STOPP is a simple skill that can help create a pause between what happens and what you do next. It can be especially helpful when your tolerance is low, you're overwhelmed, you're having a difficult conversation, or you feel yourself getting pulled into an anxious or emotional reaction.
The goal isn't to never react again.
We're human!
The goal is to create enough space to RESPOND instead of REACT.
Reacting vs. Responding
When we react, we often act from the immediate emotion rather than taking time to understand what is actually happening.
Maybe you:
Become defensive
Jump to conclusions
Raise your voice
Accuse someone
Shut down completely
Say something you don't really mean
Make a decision before you have all the information
Assume the worst
Try to protect yourself before you've even had a chance to understand the situation
And afterward? You may feel awful about yourself.
You might replay the conversation, especially while laying in bed at night, trying to go to sleep. YOu may criticize yourself, blame yourself, or wonder how things could have gone differently.
That cycle can contribute to more anxiety, rumination, low self-esteem, and disconnection from the people around us.
The tricky part is that these reactions often make sense when we understand the nervous system.
When our brain perceives a situation as threatening—whether the threat is physical, emotional, relational, or simply overwhelming—our protective responses can become activated. Refer to Polyvagal chart:
We're not necessarily choosing to react this way.
Our brain and body may be trying to PROTECT us.
But here's the problem:
A reaction that protects us in the moment isn't always the response that serves us best.
That is where we can begin practicing something different and re-wiring how we respond to things.
Responding Creates Space for Choice
Responding means slowing things down enough to become aware of what is happening inside of you AND around you.
Instead of immediately defending yourself, you pause.
Instead of assuming you know what someone meant, you listen.
Instead of allowing your thoughts to run with the worst-case scenario, you check the facts.
Instead of asking, "How do I win this?" you can begin asking:
"What would actually be helpful here?"
That small pause can create an opportunity for growth, curiosity, connection, empathy, and definitely better decision-making.
And this is where STOPP comes in.
What Is the STOPP Technique?
STOPP is a practical emotional regulation tool that can help you interrupt an automatic reaction and create space for a more thoughtful response. A common version of the skill is:
S — Stop
T — Take a breath
O — Observe
P — Pull back and put it in perspective
P — Practice what works
You can use STOPP when:
You're feeling anxious or overwhelmed
You're becoming frustrated or angry
Your thoughts are racing
You feel yourself becoming defensive
You're having a difficult conversation
You want to send an emotional text or email
You're about to make an important decision
Your stress tolerance is low
You notice yourself shutting down or wanting to escape
Let's break it down.
S — STOP
Pause.
Don't immediately speak, send the text, make the decision, or act on the urge.
Just stop.
You don't have to figure everything out in that moment.
Sometimes the most powerful thing you can do is create a few seconds of space.
T — TAKE A BREATH
Take a slow breath.
Try breathing in through your nose and allowing your belly to expand, then slowly exhaling through your mouth.
Repeat a few times.
The purpose isn't to magically make the problem disappear. You're simply giving yourself a moment to slow down and reconnect with what is happening right now.
O — OBSERVE
Now get curious.
Ask yourself:
What am I thinking?
What am I reacting to?
What emotions am I experiencing?
What am I feeling in my body?
What urge am I having right now?
What story am I telling myself about this situation?
Maybe your shoulders are tense.
Maybe your heart is racing.
Maybe you're thinking, "They don't respect me."
Maybe you're already preparing your defense.
Just NOTICE it.
You don't have to judge it or immediately change it.
Awareness comes before change.
P — PULL BACK
This is one of my personal favorites.
Pull back and put the situation into perspective.
Try looking at the situation from outside yourself (big picture) rather than through the intensity of the moment.
Ask:
Is this a fact or an opinion?
Am I making an assumption?
What is the bigger picture?
How might someone else see this?
What would I tell a friend in this situation?
Am I reacting to what actually happened or to what I think might happen?
Will this still feel this important six months from now?
This step doesn't mean dismissing your feelings.
Your feelings matter.
It simply means giving yourself enough distance to consider whether your first interpretation is the only interpretation.
P — PRACTICE WHAT WORKS
Now comes the part I love.
Ask yourself:
What is the best thing to do for me?
What is the best thing to do for the other person?
What is the best thing to do for this situation?
You may realize that you need to have the conversation—but not while you're activated.
You may decide you need to take a break.
You may realize that you misunderstood something.
You may choose to speak calmly instead of defensively.
Or you may decide that saying nothing right now is actually the healthiest choice.
The goal isn't to choose the perfect response.
The goal is to choose a response that is intentional rather than automatic.
My Personal Experience With STOPP
I have to share this part because I can relate to this skill personally.
I'm Italian and Irish, so I can tell you from plenty of self-reflection that I have had my moments with temper and attitude!
When I first met my husband more than 20 years ago, I was much more of a reactor.
My attitude and temper could be on fire.
And honestly?
I didn't know any better.
Through awareness, practice, and really wanting our relationship to work, I learned to slow down.
I started using tools like STOPP to notice what was happening inside of me before immediately reacting to what was happening around me.
That created huge growth for me personally and in our relationship.
And here we are, more than 20 years later, still going strong. 👊
Now, that doesn't mean I never have a poor reaction.
Because...we're human!...and again, Italian & Irish!
I still have moments where I catch myself reacting instead of responding.
The difference is that now I can recognize it.
And I can practice something different and recover from it more easily.
That's the important part.
This isn't about perfection. It's about awareness, practice, and progress.
How to Practice STOPP
If you're new to STOPP, don't wait until you're in the middle of a huge argument to try it for the first time.
Start small.
Practice when you're watching a situation unfold that makes you uncomfortable.
Notice your thoughts.
Notice your body.
Notice the urge to react.
You can even practice observing yourself almost like you're watching from a third-person perspective.
"Interesting. I'm noticing that my shoulders are tense."
"I'm noticing that I'm already assuming they meant something negative."
"I'm noticing that I really want to defend myself right now."
That awareness is powerful.
Then begin practicing STOPP during everyday situations.
Eventually, you may find yourself naturally pausing before responding.
You can even teach the skill to your partner, your kids, or your family.
Imagine what could change in a relationship if everyone had the ability to pause, breathe, listen, gain perspective, and choose their response!!!
STOPP Is About Creating a Pause
You don't have to stop having emotions.
You don't have to stop being passionate.
You don't have to become a completely different person.
And you certainly don't have to get everything right. Mistakes do help us grow!
STOPP simply gives you a moment to ask:
"Do I want to react to this—or do I want to respond?"
That tiny pause can create room for empathy. better communication, self-compassion. and emotional connection.
The more you practice, the easier it becomes to notice your patterns and make a different choice.
When we learn to respond instead of react, our relationships can become stronger, our self-awareness can grow, and we can begin to feel more in control of how we navigate life's difficult moments.
And sometimes, that starts with something as simple as:
STOPP.
Want More Support With Anxiety & Nervous System Regulation??
If you find yourself constantly overthinking, feeling overwhelmed, reacting more strongly than you want to, or struggling to slow down even when you know you need to, you don't have to figure it out alone.
As an anxiety therapist in Folsom, CA, I work with busy, overwhelmed adults who feel like they're constantly "on" and want practical tools to calm anxiety, regulate their nervous system, and feel more like themselves again.
Therapy can be a place to understand why these patterns happen and build skills that actually fit into your real life.
You don't have to wait until you're completely overwhelmed to ask for support.
